Flight 370: Questions, emotions – and a lesson

Flight 370

Flight 370 from Kuala Lumpur. The questions abound. From Twitter to casual conversations, from news streams to classroom discussions, questions about a missing jet filled with innocent people roll out as fast as ticker tape in a hot market. How does a HUGE jet just vanish? Was it a conspiracy? What if it’s a terrorist plot—what’s the end game? What about the people on the plane—when did they know something was wrong—are they alive—and if they’re alive, are they ok? Why hasn’t Malaysia been transparent about the investigation? Even today, thirteen days after Flight 370 went off grid, with chatter about potential wreckage sited in the Indian Ocean, more questions emerge. If the flight went down, was it mechanical…why was the plane diverted? The many questions surrounding this mysterious event will continue to be asked even if we never have solid answers – and even if we do. We humans must ask questions….why, when, how, why, when, where, why….?

Flight 370. The emotions are all over the place. Fear fills the hearts of families and friends who are clamoring for information. Anger explodes in the face of a perceived “run around.” Desperation hovers in the home where mother and child cling to the hope that the person who cares for them and offers them their only security is perhaps just missing. Frustration oozes out of the experts. Sympathy flows from those who know from their own experience how horrible it is to wait and wonder for hours, days, weeks. Apathy enters in on the part of those who are busy and distracted with their own struggles of life—sometimes followed by a sense of guilt for not reacting like “everyone else.” Ambiguity sums it up for others. And perhaps we might even name a gnawing sense of morbid curiosity driving those who cannot get enough tweets, news updates, and conversations about the mysterious missing flight. Each and every one of these reactions—or lack thereof—is legitimate in this situation and in all situations of life. Ours is the task of accepting our place on an emotional roller coaster and allowing others to enter into their emotional space on a crazy, mysterious ride that makes no sense at all.

Flight 370. The lessons are significant. Boeing is learning how to make cockpits even safer. Nations are learning—we hope—the importance of collaboration and communication. Satellite companies and governments are convinced that much more than a ping is necessary and possible in this global world of uncertainties and dangers. Families and communities are discovering ways of supporting one another. And we…those of us so far removed…we have things to learn also. The mysterious and confusing circumstances surrounding what should have been a routine part of life hold a lesson that comes to us from family and friends of the 239 who are watching, waiting, wondering. The last conversations, the last text messages, the last moments with their beloveds are being remembered and revisited over and over again. And herein lies our lesson: every interaction, every conversation, every action, every selfie, every moment leaves a footprint in the hearts and minds of others. Flight 370 has taught us that—again. In the midst of this mystery each of us has another routine moment to offer kindness, honesty, helpfulness, integrity, caring, loving, goodness. Each of us has the gift of this moment to honor the 239 missing souls and their loved ones by living and being the kind and loving people I believe we are all created to be. With questions swirling through our minds and emotions beating in our hearts, we have this moment—perhaps our only moment—to leave a footprint of kindness and love. In the midst of that which makes no sense at all–in the midst of the mystery behind Flight 370- may we learn the importance of every moment.

-Rev. Diane Dardon

What to Look for in a Partner

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You know how you push the button to send a paper to your prof and you remember you left out one of your BEST thoughts? Or, you do that presentation and sit down realizing you forgot the ZINGER comment? Well, that happened to me recently at the QIRC  – DePaul’s Quarterly Inter-Religious Celebration. I had just finished my three minute (I think it was more like five-oops!) answer to the panel question: “What do you look for in a partner?”  I looked down at my notes and realized I had left my ZINGER on the table! So, let me offer it here.

“What do you look for in a partner?” I think all of the panelists at QIRC’s night of “Love, Sex and Interfaith,” had great stuff to add to the list of things we look for in a partner: loyalty, sense of humor, beauty (inside and out!), real substance, like values, honesty, faith, spunk…. The one thing I forgot to mention – and I think this is one of the most important things I had to add – was vulnerability. A partner for life is someone who needs to be open to your vulnerabilities and someone who needs to be vulnerable with you. Face it, we all carry tons of baggage—some of us carry the entire set of luggage! Our partners need to know who we TRULY are. They need to know about our baggage and where we are in unpacking it. They need to know our hurts and dreams, our sorrows and joys. And often times, digging into the depths of our souls and sharing this kind of info is devastating and difficult—but oh, so freeing! A true partner is someone who cannot only meet you in your vulnerable places, but one who can invite you into his or her bags of vulnerability.

And right alongside vulnerability must come patience, kindness, openness and FORGIVENESS! Sometimes the very things that keep us from loving ourselves are the things that keep others out. We need to be vulnerable with ourselves and a partner and then, often times we need to offer forgiveness—perhaps to ourselves, perhaps to the other. And we need to be able to accept forgiveness or give forgiveness if that is what our vulnerable partner is offering or seeking.

I don’t have any magic formula for helping anyone find a really great partner (I’d be kicking Dr. Phil off his sofa if I did!). But I do know that if you can be truly open with someone, truly working at being vulnerable and encouraging openness and vulnerability with a partner—and then finding healthy doses of grace in those vulnerable moments–you will find magic!

– Pastor Diane Dardon

God’s Plan (part 3)

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Many times, as people—especially people of faith—try to make sense of death (and life), some will say, “This is all part of God’s plan.” Every time I hear this I have to ask, “Is the death of someone we love and value in life part of God’s plan?” I do not believe that God has a great cosmic calendar that indicates my comings and goings in life.  For me as a mainline Lutheran pastor,  I have learned that words—even words of Grace–never seem adequate and can even cause more angst and confusion. Prayers (mostly in the heart), hugs, tears, silence,  listening and simply being with the broken–letting them know they have a safe place–are my responses to those who are hurting. This is my plan for living out God’s grace in the face of things in life that are senseless. 

But Katie asked me to provide a perspective on where people might be coming from when they say, “This is part of God’s plan” during tragic moments.  So, I asked for clarification from students and friends and colleagues who believe that God does have a particular plan that includes suffering, struggling and dying.  

What I learned is that there are some who believe that God’s plan is to bring us to our knees and “humble us” through difficulties in life. It is in those broken places that we will find God and be drawn back to a relationship with God.  In other words, some people NEED tragedy and death to “wake them up to the love of God.” God knows what we need, and sometimes it’s suffering or loss. So your loss is part of a plan for your overall good.

Another thing I heard is that God does not have some great cosmic plan for each of us but it IS God’s plan to use the difficulties, death, darkness of life to help us understand that the only way we will find peace and hope and be restored to joy is through God and the love of Jesus. If we face the challenges and difficulties in life by turning against God or ignoring God’s presence in our life, we will remain in the broken and sorrowful places of life. Therefore, God’s plan is to use life’s struggles and sorrows to move us toward healing that can only come through Jesus.  

Others believe that nothing happens outside of God’s plan, so even terrible tragedies have significance and purpose.  Life and events are not meaningless and hopeless. So if I tell you a terrible loss is part of God’s plan perhaps you will feel it is redemptive in some way – had some reason for happening – rather than just being some uncontrollable event in a nihilistic world, which would make the pain of the loss even worse.  These people may believe that limited human understanding cannot comprehend what God has in mind, but if I reassure you that everything is part of a plan you simply cannot understand you might feel better about it.

I am sure there are many more reasons to say, “It’s all part of God’s plan,” but most of the people I spoke to see it as being comforting and reassuring.

G-d’s Plan (Part 2)

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Five years ago, my wife lost her father to a very sudden and surprising heart attack.  The loss was great. He touched many lives and had many friends and family.  Being a smoker in his fifties, people were able to understand and make sense of his death. While his passing was sad, it was accepted by those around him. Time passed and wounds began to heal.

Two years later, my wife’s younger brother, one of two twins, was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was wearing his helmet, lost control, and was killed on impact. This loss however was not accepted so easily by those around him. This young man, who had just turned 21, was taken from this world far too early and people needed to make sense of this tragedy.

In an attempt to find comfort, non-Jewish family and friends began to try and explain why this terrible event had taken place. I started to hear phrases change from “we are so sorry for your loss” to things like “G-d needed him” or “it’s all part of his plan”.  Being there to support my wife, I simply sat back and listened to person after person approach her to try to give her an explanation or reason for why her brother had passed.  My wife simply listened and said “thank you”, not telling them that their explanations were only making her feel worse. “Why did G-d need him more than I, or his mother or his twin brother needed him?” my wife would ask me in sporadic private moments during the whirlwind of mourning.  Then someone approached my wife and said “Now your father’s death makes sense. G-d needed him to be there to wait for your brother in heaven.”  I was astounded. I could not understand how someone would think this phrase would comfort a mourner, to place the blame on G-d and somehow try to make both deaths a positive. Loss is difficult and difficult things make us feel uncomfortable. We need to find explanation, but to say it is G-d’s plan to take the life of a family member is sometimes not the explanation we need.

A close friend and coworker (who happens to be priest) was recently released from the hospital after a long struggle with intense medical issues. We spoke about G-d’s place in this event and he simply said “Do I think G-d wanted me to get sick, No. But did G-d help me get better, yes.”

When speaking with someone who has suffered loss, As a Jew, this is my go to statement:

“May the Almighty comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

This phrase is chosen specifically for a few reasons:

This helps the individual connect their pain with their surrounding community. Just as the Israelite community mourned the loss of the temple in Jerusalem as a whole, so too does the entire Jewish community share in the morning of the individual’s loss, seeing that all Israel is a single body. Sharing pain helps to make the process more bearable.

There is no definitive statement made. No firm idea of G-d’s plan, or a divine cause and effect. Instead the statement helps to relay the understanding that G-d and prayer are not the reason for the action, but a place to turn for comfort. As is said in the Reform Jewish prayer book Gates of Prayer and one of my favorite quotes regarding how Jews view prayer;

“Prayer cannot bring water to a parched field, nor mend a broken bridge, nor rebuild a ruined city, but prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart and rebuild a weakened will.”

God’s Plan (Part 1)

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What do you say to someone who is grieving?  I’ve been thinking about it since reviewing a recent string of comments on my Facebook page.

When a former high school classmate ended a Facebook comment saying she miscarried her child in the second trimester, I was struck by her vulnerability in sharing her loss and wondered if anyone else would notice.

Some alumni of the all-girls Catholic high school we had both attended responded. Mostly just “sorry for your loss.” I gasped aloud, however, to read “God has his reasons” and then “Loss is always so sad and hard to work through but one silver lining is that you have your little one right next to God looking out for you! Happy New Year!”

I find “it’s all God’s plan” troubling and leading to questions grieving people probably don’t find comforting: “Really, we have a God whose plan is the death of children?  God plans random accidents and oppression? How does God formulate these ‘plans’ and why is the plan for my loved one? If my kids hear this will they fear God taking them out because mom needs some more supporters up in heaven?”

But I do feel torn.  I believe in a powerful and loving God who does have plans for the world, who hears our prayers and responds.  I take comfort (eventually) that God makes good come from bad, though I rarely want to be told that in a moment of crisis. I’ve been taught God is Love and Love in my mind doesn’t “plan” sadness like miscarriages and typhoons, though Love does create us to live in a world where sad, tragic, and violent things happen.  Is it enough of a comfort we are given the dignity to maneuver, contribute, cry and laugh through that world with the support of people we love, and a loving God?

I could get all theological here.  There are roots in my tradition to support “God has a plan” responses.  Clearly people are being taught it’s a good thing to say and it may be comforting to the woman who lost her baby – I hope so! But I felt the need to process the topic with some colleagues.  Mat was eager to know why people offer such sentiments and his reflection on his experience follows.  Diane said she could help me see where the many people who do like to reassure with “It’s part of God’s plan” are coming from.  And Tom helped still my intellectual ramblings when I asked his opinion about the “God has a plan” response.  He said, “Well experience teaches us not to say that – most people really don’t like to hear it!”

Some people might, but as a general rule I avoid it.

Marketing and Profiting from Vincent de Paul

The Vincentiana material culture collection at DePaul University’s Archives and Special Collections Department possesses a large number of devotional items (holy cards, statues, medals, prints) of Vincent de Paul created over the last four hundred years.  These items not only reflect the popularity of Vincent de Paul, but the potential profit of that popularity.  After all, printers would not have put out editions of Vincent de Paul holy cards and images if there weren’t a ready supply of interested buyers.  Supply and demands works as inexorably with devotion as it does with capitalism.  One of the most interesting ways to use Vincent’s name and image to brand an item for sale was several historical examples of “elixirs” or patent medicines designed to cure a variety of ailments, including the ever-popular “anemia.”  It appears that some of these were directly or indirectly sponsored by the Daughters of Charity themselves.  Attached is an example of a late 19th century advertisement for such a medicinal product.

Vincentian Moments

Part of our work with the Interfaith Scholars is to make moves to draw people closer together through our different faiths. Our purpose is to transcend differences and better understand one another and the role that our faith plays in our day to day lives. One of the ways that the scholars do this is by creating what we call Vincentian Moments. These moments take an aspect of each faith tradition and draw a comparison to an aspect of St. Vincent Depaul’s teachings. 

The first installment comes from Scholar Thano Prokos who decided to on his own background in the Greek Orthodox Faith.

St. Vincent says,

 “Our Lord humbles in order to raise up, and allows the suffering of interior and exterior afflictions in order to bring about peace. He often desires some things more than we do, but wants us to merit the grace of accomplishing them by several practices of virtue and to beg for this with many prayers.”

In “Taking the More Excellent Way,” Fr. Anthony Hughes talks about the story of St. Mary of Egypt and uses it to explain on how we make use of personal suffering. He argues that our trials and suffering are the things that make us grow and we become beautiful human beings.

St. Vincent stresses the same idea, that when we are humbled in our lives it’s our duty to rise back up.  What both men are saying, is that the hardships we face are not necessarily what we should focus on. We shouldn’t be consumed by our grief. Rather, it’s important to focus on what the next step is. How do we respond to tragedy? Both men encourage a detachment from the experience of grief and a focus on the divine through prayer.

Vincent asks us to say our own personal prayers to God with the hope that our prayer focuses our attention on what is good and how we can strive to be better. Fr. Anthony asks us to pray for others, particularly those who hurt us. The goal of this practice is less “divine intervention” but more to remind us that those who hurt us are every bit as human as we are. It changes our perception of them from the evil other into someone that we can be compassionate towards in the hopes that in the future, we can demonstrate our growth by meeting  hostility with love.

New Scholars. New Reflections.

Over the summer, a group of our interfaith scholars headed to New York City in order to experience each other’s faith in such a way that we could move past any preconceived notions and actually grasp what the others believed. For most college age students, a trip to New York is all about the kind of shenanigans that can be accomplished and summer is about losing all responsibility and just relaxing. This summer shifted our focus because we were not letting time idly pass by. We were pushed out of our comfort zones in an effort to bring all of us closer together. We had the rest of the summer to reflect and decide if that plan worked or not. 

Each scholar was asked to reflect on:

  • What experience was inspiring?
  • What was surprising?
  •  

    What challenges were confronted?

  • What made you care?

Interfaith Scholar extraordinaire Kamieshia Graves gave us her reflection:

“New York. (insert happy sigh here) The city of wonders and great opportunities. The place to be with all its magnificent city lights illuminating the picturesque skyline. All the snazzy people with ambitions and dreams that are out of this world. Forget Home, Dorothy! There’s no place like New York!!!!!!”

Yeah… definitely not how I felt initially. May I offer a bit of my reality?

I never had the burning desire to go to NY. In fact, I was so dedicated to being a Chicagoan that I was almost positive that I would never partake in the blasphemous act of going to New York. It sounds ridiculous because it was ridiculous– don’t judge me. I think NY simply terrified me causing the lack of motivation to visit; however, I agreed to go with Interfaith Scholars 2013-2014 (woot woot!) and the adventure began.

You see, the day of travel came and butterflies are too cute to describe how I felt. I hadn’t previously met any of my team members with whom I would be riding all the way to NY. I’m a pretty easygoing person, but the thought of not being accepted into the group worried me quite a bit and I must say that first day was quite a challenge for me. It was like transferring to a new high school during senior year—I know from experience. Everyone was already comfortable and easily initiated conversations and laughed. Meanwhile, I fought to find a cool way to just jump in, which I never figured out. Instead, I randomly would ask a question, like a dork, never realizing that the focus was on the Game of Thrones, which I knew nothing about. (PS. Thanks guys for inspiring me to watch it. It is good!) Needless to say, I slept most of that ride.

Fast-forward:

We arrived and had arrangements to stay in the Bronx! I loved the Bronx immediately because it gave me a sense of comfort when I needed it most. I felt more connected with the residents of that area more so than I did with the individuals I was to live with. I felt that if I walked into a random group of New Yorkers they would listen to me, but I did not feel that way with my own team. Then all of a sudden, a bright light broke through the sky and we had a “Haaaaaaallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu-u-u-u-jahhhh” moment and one person from my group struck up a conversation with me and then another and we just clicked, which actually surprised me! Although I believe that the foundation of Christianity with regards to behavior towards others is to be Christ-like by loving everyone despite differences, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I, a nondenominational Christian, had so much in common, including some religious beliefs, with the two young women who are both Muslim. The shared commonalities even extended to the other faith practices represented in the group. Can you imagine the look on my face when I met the Greek Orthodox priest and learned that he is just as crazy hilarious as my own pastor?! I’m sorry, but when I first heard Greek Orthodox I let my preconceived notions nurture the idea of taking a nap before going to that church. I expected it to be boring, but I happily admitted my error after learning that the St Nick is Santa. I had to send silent prayers of forgiveness to each of the faith practices many times that trip; I wouldn’t have changed it though because I learned a great deal about others as well as myself.

Though some may disagree, I would be comfortable saying that we are all working toward the same goal, but simply using different paths. I love it!

During a free day, I got to explore this a bit more when the leaders of the group gave us the challenge of initiating a conversation with a native and, if not too strenuous, centering the conversation on religion. I, along with the same two young ladies, found it rather easy to achieve this at Union Square with a bunch of random men from different faith practices. We got into this really crazy discussion (borderline debate at times) about Christianity, Atheism, and Islam with a man who identified himself as atheist. More and more people joined, and we developed this cycle of discussing religion and being silly. In the midst of all this enjoyable chaos, there was an older Islamic woman whose mere presence was awe-inspiring. This woman was selling water to make a profit. A couple of the guys bought water, and one said that he had done it because he felt sorry for her. The crazy thing is this lady was joyous and goofy. At least for the moment, she had not let life steal her love of living. I remember that she had jokingly asked one of the men why he hadn’t made a pass at one of us ladies and she laughed with us. It seems so simple, but I found it inspirational because life has dealt some crazy cards to me and I had allowed it to start having an effect on my perspective, but her presence reminded me of what I do have- laughter. (I have this crazy obnoxious laugh but I love it because it makes others laugh too.) I let the hard stuff blur my positive and optimistic outlook, but her presence.

Jumping gears to a not so religious moment that I have to share because it touched me:

I cannot remember where we were or why we were there but we were at a very small park- it was literally a fountain with benches around it- and there was this little girl who was in her own little world. She danced and danced without a care in the world, and all of us just watched her, but not in a creepy way. She eventually realized she had an audience and she stopped and returned the favor. She just looked at me… and looked… and looked until she smiled a big cheerful smile provoking me to do the same. She waved at me giddily twice before her mother looked back to check on the fuss. Her daughter ran to her and pointed at me and waved again. Our group had turned to leave, but before leaving to proceed to our next destination I turned to see her awaiting a goodbye. We waved one last time and I walked away touched by the purity of that carefree child.

I could go on and on about the IFS trip to NY, but I think I have already talked waaaaay too much. What can I say? Because of the memories I was gifted, I had a lot to say about the remarkable city of New York. As of right now, there is no place like it.

 

Spring Quarterly Interreligious Celebration: Life, Death, and Social Justice

Life, Death, and Social Justice

As the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombings circulated around the news outlets, the DePaul University community stood shocked and worried. All of the faculty, staff, and students called their loved ones, and checked up on each other’s family and friends. Coincidentally, the Interfaith Scholars had been planning for their Spring Quarterly Interreligious Celebration with the theme revolving around, Life, Death, and Social Justice. The evening usually holds four significant segments. The first, is an opening prayer, which was held by DePaul Community Service Association, University Minister Rubén Álvarez, who asked the audience to center their minds, bodies, and spirits in order to be present. The second, is the opening introduction of the theme usually done by a short talk. The DePaul community was honored to have Sr. Helen Prejean talk about her interfaith experiences and the ways in which they effected the way she perceives life, death, and social justice. The third segment of the evening was composed of short-story performances and prayers by three DePaul students, Dana Jabri (Muslim), Tom Miller (Agnostic), and Josh Sushan (Jew), each of whom reflected on occurrences of life and death in their lives. Below is Tom Miller’s reflection and story he shared with the audience.

“I want to share a story which I think touches each of these themes: Life, Death and Social Justice. And then try to explain how I addressed them as someone who identifies as an Agnostic. For the past two summers I have been volunteering at a summer camp called Camp Courage. This camp is only a week long. This is a grief camp for people who are connected to a recent death. There are about 40 or so kids who go there each year, all between the ages of 6 and 13. Each and every one of these kids lost someone close to them, parents, friends, aunts, uncles, even siblings.

I remember very clearly the story of Alex. Alex was about 9 years old when I was introduced to him. I soon learned he had a twin brother. Alex liked to swim and was on a swim team. One day their mom drove them to a swim meet. But as they were on their way to the swim meet, a garbage truck sped through a red light and crashed into the car Alex’s mom was driving. Alex’s twin brother was instantly killed and the crash only mildly wounded Alex and his mother.

When I was talking to Alex he would ask questions like, “Why did I have to live and he die?” He felt guilty for living, he felt like he was wrong to be alive, to be given life when his brother had his life stripped away because they were going to Alex’s swim meet.

 So as an Agnostic how was I supposed to approach this situation? Was I supposed to talk about the meaning of life? About Karma, an afterlife, Heaven, Hell, God? I didn’t know what faith his parents were raising him with. Should I talk about morality, or all the philosophical ideas I have been learning about for the past few years? Where was Social Justice? What would Social Justice say I should do? What about that garbage truck driver? Should he be thrown in jail for the rest of his life? What if it was an accident?

What was I supposed to tell to a 9 year old about life and death? Especially when I had no idea what I thought of it, or am still trying to figure out what to think of it. I did not want to tell this little boy that he will see his brother in heaven. I didn’t know that, I wasn’t sure of that. I’m still not sure of that. I didn’t want to lie. I wanted to tell him something, to comfort him, to give him something to believe in, something to give his life meaning. But should I be the one to give meaning to someone else’s life? I didn’t want to sugar coat anything, but I also knew that I couldn’t give him a long philosophical lecture based on everything I had been learning at DePaul.

What I ended up doing was listening to his story. I looked him in the eye and I smiled. I shared with him a moment of my life simply listening. The only thing I knew at that point in time was that I cared for this boy. While I have never lived his life or went through what he went through I understood that there was an intense struggle he was going through. At that moment I knew that he was not alone, and that I was also not alone. As an Agnostic I realized that I don’t know how to answer these questions, but I think we should be okay with talking about them.

Now, when I go to camp courage this upcoming summer, I’m going with the goal of trying to make kids smile. I think sometimes we forget how to smile or how to have fun and we all need to be reminded every now and then.

One of my favorite intellectuals to quote is Einstein. With all his knowledge and wisdom, he wrote this, ‘The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful…'”

– Thomas Miller 

Knowing that the Anti-Death Row activist and spiritual guider Sister Helen Prejean was going to present the opening remarks introducing the theme of the evening, as a group, the Scholars began to think of ways in which we could get the campus students’s ideas, thoughts, and topics they wanted to discuss after the introduction was given, as the interreligious dialogue activity for the evening. The idea was to get the students to form discussions that came from their own quandaries. So we collected questions, topics, and ideas from the 200+ students that were present. For the last segment of the evening, we invited the students and audience to participate in meaningful discussions about the ways in which life, death, and social justice effect the ways in which we percieve our faith traditions, and as students of the DePaul community.

Some of the questions suggested:

What about your religious tradition do you find life-giving?

Do you feel the responsibility to engage in social justice work? How does your personal faith tradition or belief system inform your answer?

What do you hope to do in your life before you die?

Sr. Helen Prejean talked about the tragedy of the Boston Marathon, how do we as a DePaul community provide support to the Boston community?

As the event came to an end, the faculty, staff, and students had for the last time this school year, reflected as a community on their individual faith values to the roles that life, death, and social justice play within one’s life.

– Dana Jabri ’15