Five years ago, my wife lost her father to a very sudden and surprising heart attack.  The loss was great. He touched many lives and had many friends and family.  Being a smoker in his fifties, people were able to understand and make sense of his death. While his passing was sad, it was accepted by those around him. Time passed and wounds began to heal.

Two years later, my wife’s younger brother, one of two twins, was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was wearing his helmet, lost control, and was killed on impact. This loss however was not accepted so easily by those around him. This young man, who had just turned 21, was taken from this world far too early and people needed to make sense of this tragedy.

In an attempt to find comfort, non-Jewish family and friends began to try and explain why this terrible event had taken place. I started to hear phrases change from “we are so sorry for your loss” to things like “G-d needed him” or “it’s all part of his plan”.  Being there to support my wife, I simply sat back and listened to person after person approach her to try to give her an explanation or reason for why her brother had passed.  My wife simply listened and said “thank you”, not telling them that their explanations were only making her feel worse. “Why did G-d need him more than I, or his mother or his twin brother needed him?” my wife would ask me in sporadic private moments during the whirlwind of mourning.  Then someone approached my wife and said “Now your father’s death makes sense. G-d needed him to be there to wait for your brother in heaven.”  I was astounded. I could not understand how someone would think this phrase would comfort a mourner, to place the blame on G-d and somehow try to make both deaths a positive. Loss is difficult and difficult things make us feel uncomfortable. We need to find explanation, but to say it is G-d’s plan to take the life of a family member is sometimes not the explanation we need.

A close friend and coworker (who happens to be priest) was recently released from the hospital after a long struggle with intense medical issues. We spoke about G-d’s place in this event and he simply said “Do I think G-d wanted me to get sick, No. But did G-d help me get better, yes.”

When speaking with someone who has suffered loss, As a Jew, this is my go to statement:

“May the Almighty comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

This phrase is chosen specifically for a few reasons:

This helps the individual connect their pain with their surrounding community. Just as the Israelite community mourned the loss of the temple in Jerusalem as a whole, so too does the entire Jewish community share in the morning of the individual’s loss, seeing that all Israel is a single body. Sharing pain helps to make the process more bearable.

There is no definitive statement made. No firm idea of G-d’s plan, or a divine cause and effect. Instead the statement helps to relay the understanding that G-d and prayer are not the reason for the action, but a place to turn for comfort. As is said in the Reform Jewish prayer book Gates of Prayer and one of my favorite quotes regarding how Jews view prayer;

“Prayer cannot bring water to a parched field, nor mend a broken bridge, nor rebuild a ruined city, but prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart and rebuild a weakened will.”