You know how you push the button to send a paper to your prof and you remember you left out one of your BEST thoughts? Or, you do that presentation and sit down realizing you forgot the ZINGER comment? Well, that happened to me recently at the QIRC  – DePaul’s Quarterly Inter-Religious Celebration. I had just finished my three minute (I think it was more like five-oops!) answer to the panel question: “What do you look for in a partner?”  I looked down at my notes and realized I had left my ZINGER on the table! So, let me offer it here.

“What do you look for in a partner?” I think all of the panelists at QIRC’s night of “Love, Sex and Interfaith,” had great stuff to add to the list of things we look for in a partner: loyalty, sense of humor, beauty (inside and out!), real substance, like values, honesty, faith, spunk…. The one thing I forgot to mention – and I think this is one of the most important things I had to add – was vulnerability. A partner for life is someone who needs to be open to your vulnerabilities and someone who needs to be vulnerable with you. Face it, we all carry tons of baggage—some of us carry the entire set of luggage! Our partners need to know who we TRULY are. They need to know about our baggage and where we are in unpacking it. They need to know our hurts and dreams, our sorrows and joys. And often times, digging into the depths of our souls and sharing this kind of info is devastating and difficult—but oh, so freeing! A true partner is someone who cannot only meet you in your vulnerable places, but one who can invite you into his or her bags of vulnerability.

And right alongside vulnerability must come patience, kindness, openness and FORGIVENESS! Sometimes the very things that keep us from loving ourselves are the things that keep others out. We need to be vulnerable with ourselves and a partner and then, often times we need to offer forgiveness—perhaps to ourselves, perhaps to the other. And we need to be able to accept forgiveness or give forgiveness if that is what our vulnerable partner is offering or seeking.

I don’t have any magic formula for helping anyone find a really great partner (I’d be kicking Dr. Phil off his sofa if I did!). But I do know that if you can be truly open with someone, truly working at being vulnerable and encouraging openness and vulnerability with a partner—and then finding healthy doses of grace in those vulnerable moments–you will find magic!

– Pastor Diane Dardon