Month: May 2020

Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) Round Table

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To honor Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) in April, HPW had a live roundtable around supporting survivors of abusive relationships, whether it’s sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or financial abuse. This blog covers all of the important details of that conversation. Sadly, a lot of survivors right now may not be able to escape their abusive situations. Many people currently can’t leave their houses or go to a friend’s place to escape due to the current pandemic we are living through. Financial situations are also exacerbated right now and may make it even tougher for some to leave an abusive relationship. In our roundtable the other week, we talked about how to be an ally to those in this tricky situation. Watch here, or read on!

What exactly does abuse look like?

Stereotypically, when we think of an abusive relationship, we think of physical abuse. But abuse can be of a physical nature, and emotional one, a sexual one, or a financial one. Abuse does not need to be put into a box, and it’s important to keep this in mind when supporting survivors. Really, at the end of the day, abuse occurs when the power and control in a relationship is shifted to be completely one sided.

 

So, in what ways might we go about supporting someone who is experiencing abuse?

Remaining available to someone in an abusive relationship is one of the most helpful things you can do. There are three great ways to do this: 1) Ask a question, 2) Listen up, and 3) Stay connected. Let’s look at each of these closer.

Ask a question: Asking a question as simple as “Hey, how is it going?” and then really listening to what the person has to say can make worlds of a difference.

Listen up: When you listen, you must listen without having your own agenda. You are listening to hear what this person’s perspective on their situation is. Active listening techniques can be used here to support your loved one. Examples of some things you may say after listening are:

  • “I don’t even know what to say right now, but I’m so glad you told me.”
  • “I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, and I am here to support you.”
  • “I believe you” – saying this and truly meaning it is crucial in supporting a survivor – it is not our place to play detective in these situations; most survivors tell the truth about their abuse, and it can be quite harmful to not believe somebody who has put their trust in you in this situation.

Stay connected: Staying connected can be crucial in supporting a survivor because when a survivor is isolated from outside support, the abuser tends to have more power over them. Your loved one may not be reaching out simply because they can’t, not because they don’t want or need support. Every once in a while, try being the first one to reach out – this can act as a lifeline to your loved one. Avoid ultimatums; although it might be easy to say something along the lines of, “If you don’t leave this person by [said time] I cannot continue to be friends with you,” this is simply not what your loved one needs to hear right now. Abuse does not follow any specific timeline, and there are many reasons why someone may not be able to leave an abusive relationship right away, not to mention it could be quite dangerous to leave an abusive relationship at certain times (more on this below). Tough love is not what people need in these circumstances.

Supporting a Survivor Dos and Don’ts

Don’t: Tell someone to leave – the leaving part of an abusive relationship is the most dangerous phase of the relationship: the point when someone leaves and six weeks after this is the time that this person is most likely to be killed.

Do: Work with your loved one to create a safety plan with tangible steps for this person to use when the time comes that they are able to leave.

Don’t: When it comes to sexual abuse, do not ask your loved one victim-blaming questions. Your initial response in certain cases might be to ask questions such as, “How did this happen – didn’t you cover your drink? What were you wearing when this happened?” But these questions simply contribute to a culture of victim blaming that takes the blame off of the perpetrator and puts it onto the survivor instead.

Do: Reinforce that you believe and support your loved one.

Don’t: Make it about you and your own personal desires as they relate to the situation. Supporting someone who is experiencing abuse consists of allowing the survivor to still have their autonomy. They are otherwise already losing autonomy in their relationship, so when we come in and tell them what to do – i.e. “You should file a police report” – it takes the autonomy away from the survivor. Let them make these decisions on their own time, and support them while they move through it.

Do: Seek help for yourself if you need it personally, but leave your opinions out of your loved one’s decisions.

 

What should you do if you think that your loved one is in a situation that could potentially be very dangerous?

If you hear that something that makes you concerned your loved one is in immediate danger (they are isolated, being monitored or stalked, or the person has a weapon), you – or both of you together – can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to come up with a plan to stay as safe as possible.

Note: It is very important to understand that some societal structures and resources may be safe for certain populations to use, but not for others. (i.e., a person of color may not be comfortable making a call to the police as police are notorious for not supporting the black community equally in comparison to their white counterparts). Don’t assume that calling the police is a given in these situations – it is best to understand the ways in which your loved one might be affected by these societal structures first, and then make a sound decision on next steps.

 

How to Talk to Someone Who is Causing Harm

Abuse, coercion, and control are incredibly common… people that cause harm might be the same people we love and care about. If we are going to address the harm that is being caused, we must learn how to talk to those causing the harm as well. When talking to someone who is causing harm in a relationship, you can use the same tactics as you might when talking to a survivor – 1) Ask a question, 2) Listen up, and 3) Stay connected. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were causing harm, and approach this person the same way. ‘Call the person in’ versus ‘calling them out.’ People don’t listen when they are called out – by inviting the person causing harm to have an open and constructive conversation about their behavior, you might have a better chance of getting through to them. It is important to recognize that change will only be made if both sides are engaged in the conversation. Currently, our justice system focuses more on punishing than restorative justice, but restorative justice can prove to be largely important in enacting change rather than simply perpetuating the norm.

How can I take care of myself when supporting a survivor?

You are actually considered a ‘secondary survivor’ when you are supporting a survivor as this process can be quite emotionally taxing for you as well. So, make sure to take care of yourself through it all, and try to recognize your limits:

  • Practice grounding techniques – breathing exercises can serve as a great way to ground yourself. Box breathing is one good technique to try – there are many others as well.
  • Don’t get so completely invested that you forget about other pieces of your own life/your health, recovery, and healing. You have a responsibility to yourself as first and foremost – we can’t help others if we aren’t doing well ourselves.
  • Keeping healthy boundaries in all relationships is crucial, especially when it comes to supporting a survivor. What are your boundaries and what can you give? What is your personal threshold? Keep these questions in mind as you are helping your loved one, and never feel guilty for taking a step back to preserve your own mental health.

 

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sticking with us! We hope that you learned something new and are feeling more prepared to help. Remember, take care of yourself, take care of each other, take care DePaul! <3

xoxo,

HPW

Wellness Wednesday – Healthy Relationships

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Hello everybody! Welcome back to yet another Wellness Wednesday blog post from yours truly, the Office of Health Promotion and Wellness (and our guest speakers at Mission and Ministry!). If you’d like to view the video version of this Wellness Wednesday click here, otherwise read on!

 

 

 

 

 

This Wellness Wednesday we were lucky enough to have Mission and Ministry join us for a conversation around healthy relationships during COVID-19. Keep reading for a look into Vinny and Louise’s relationship and how it relates to the times (Mission and Ministry) as well as some of HPW’s tips for maintaining healthy relationships during quarantine!

A message from Mission and Ministry: “You’ve hopefully learned some stories about Vincent and Louise during your time at DePaul. We don’t always talk about the collaborative relationship they had – this dynamic duo that we celebrate today shaped each other to be the leaders that we remember them to be. Vincent would not be Vincent if it were not for Louise’s leadership, and Louise would not have discovered her true purpose and calling if she had not first been sent forth by Vincent. This dynamic duo has much to teach us about healthy relationships.”

“So, learning from Vincent and Louise, what are some things we can do to ensure we are practicing holistic care and being in right relationships with one another?”

  • “We are not meant to balance everything at the same time! Sometimes we need to take off one of our hats and focus on another one.”
  • Boundary setting is something that Vincent and Louise helped each other to do well: “Before addressing any business, Louise and Vincent would take the time to check in with each other. Their letters show that they were not only professional collaborators, but personable friends as well. They would do check-ins asking each other how they were and how their health was doing. Vincentians recognize that healthy relationships are essential for carrying out a shared vision. We can’t do it alone!”
  • “Authentic collaboration takes work – it takes listening, building relationships, understanding where someone is coming from, putting ourselves in others’ shoes, letting go of our agenda, failing, picking ourselves back up and trying again, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. It means being vulnerable and courageous and speaking your truth with love.”
  • Read on to hear more about boundary setting and healthy relationships from HPW!

When we discuss healthy relationships during COVID-19, it might be helpful to break this into two categories: 1) How to maintain healthy relationships and boundaries while living in close quarters with others at home, and 2) How to stay connected with friends and family who are miles away from home. The first section of HPW’s advice below will cover this first point, and the second half will cover the latter point. Read on, reader!

 

What does a healthy relationship at home look like during COVID-19?

First and foremost, it is important to acknowledge that everyone’s living situation looks different right now. Some of us are staying with family, some are staying with roommates, some are staying with a partner, and some even have kids at home to deal with! Some of us may be staying alone in isolation – away from family and friends. And some may be dealing with a toxic home environment. Understanding that we are all coming from different places is important as it can allow us to have more empathy towards each other’s situations and realize that everyone is struggling in a different way (and can use support in a different way).

 

Second of all, it is important to take care of yourself first! It can be tough to give yourself to others/be in relationships with others when you haven’t had a chance to show yourself some love first. That’s why right now, especially, it is important to show yourself some love and care. What does this look like? Here are some tips: make sure you are getting a good night’s rest (see our previous blog for tips on refreshing your sleep), get outside, take a shower and do some skincare, eat healthy foods – you get the idea. Humans are sort of like plants, we need sunshine, water, and nutrients too! Remembering these three simple tenets makes for a healthy day. If possible, try to do at least one thing per day that is just plain fun, like doing yoga, savoring your morning coffee, playing a board game, or reading a chapter of a good book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another important tenet to relationships right now (and always) is boundary setting. Now especially it is important to create your boundaries and stick to them. Living in such close quarters with loved ones can be very enjoyable, but it can also be very tricky. Without any boundaries, we tend to get worn down over time, and don’t always show up as the best versions of ourselves. Remember, boundaries look different for everyone. Perhaps your sister is better at spending constant time socializing with your family, but maybe you need a little more alone time – don’t let anybody make you feel bad for this – we are all different, and as long as we use respect when setting boundaries, it’s no harm no foul! One way of upholding boundaries can simply be creating a physical space to spend time by yourself every once and a while. Find space in your house for your own personal time. If you have a big family and/or no privacy, take morning walks by yourself or with a pet. Take time to collect yourself and spend time with your own thoughts. Sometimes when we constantly spend time around others, we lose track of what it is that is going on in our own minds – it is important to revive this by spending some time alone, no matter how extraverted you are.

If quarantine is proving to be a really tough time for you and you are struggling to maintain a healthy living situation during all of this, seek support. Although they do look different now, resources are still available to you. The Office of Health Promotion and Wellness is still taking virtual appointments via Zoom. Feel free to call us at 773-325-7129 or complete the online intake form on our website (https://offices.depaul.edu/student-affairs/about/departments/Pages/hpw.aspx) to schedule your one on one with one of our professional staff members. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is still up and running as well at 1-800-799-7233. If you are unable to speak on the phone without being overheard, you can also text LOVEIS to 22522. If you would simply like to chat with HPW about more resources at your disposal during this tough time, we are available for that as well via appointment at the contact information mentioned above.

 

What does it look like to maintain healthy relationships while social distancing?

Having a tough time staying connected with loved ones who are farther away or not in your house during COVID-19? You’ve come to the right place. The following are some tips for finding community and connection during this virtual reality we are currently living in.

  • Missing loved ones who live farther away? Set up a recurring zoom call with friends or family. Having a set time each week to talk can provide you with something to look forward to! It doesn’t need to be long if you’re not up for it – even just seeing loved one’s faces briefly can help light up a day or week!
  • If it’s possible in the state that you are living in currently, you can do outdoor activities with others who live nearby, but at a distance, such as going on walks at a 6 feet distance from each other, or putting out lawn chairs to sit and chat outside – just keep your distance here as well.
  • If you miss being able to sit with a loved one and watch a movie or show together, you can use Netflix Party to watch shows at the exact same time while having access to a chat bar as well. You could even Zoom during a show or a movie so that you can have live reactions to it as well! Simply share your screen, mute yourselves when the show/movie is going, and pause to have conversation in between.
  • If you’re someone who misses having in person intellectual conversations with others, you could have a virtual book club with a friend or family member. Simply read the same book at the same time and have periodic Zoom calls with discussion questions to chat about after each chapter or so!
  • If you’re done with so much screen time, but still looking for a meaningful way to stay in touch with loved ones, send notes in the mail. This can be such a nice surprise, especially during these tough times. If you have a printer at home, you could even print out pictures of yourself with the person you’re sending a note to and include those as well!
  • Another kind gesture to a family member or friend who lives nearby could be leaving a baked good, a note, a small art project, or a small gift on a friend’s doorstep for them to find later on.
  • Does one of your loved ones have a birthday during these tough times? If they live nearby you, have a drive by parade for them with signs on each car! If they live farther away, throw a virtual party for them. Reach out to their loved ones and schedule a Zoom call for a specific time – have everyone show up with drinks (of any kind) to ‘cheers’ the person on their special day! You can even incorporate some kind words by having everyone prepare a small speech about that person ahead of time, if you would like.
  • If you are tired of living in our current reality, make some future plans with pals. Obviously, some details will need to be left out for now, as booking travel and hotels is a no go currently, but you can plan generally for where you might want to go and what you might want to do when all of this is over!
  • Simply looking to have some fun and take a break from it all? Kick back with a virtual game night complete with snacks, drinks… the whole 9 yards. Trivia games are easy ones to play via Zoom, but get creative and come up with some other game ideas as well!

Again, it is important to remember that boundaries are still important, even when it comes to online relationships (check out our blog on establishing healthy boundaries for tips on this!).

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for joining us! Hopefully at least one of these tips regarding healthy relationships during COVID-19 has resonated with you. Again, if you are struggling to cope right now and are seeking some support, our office is always here as a resource. Feel free to call us at 773-325-7129 or complete the online intake form on our website (https://offices.depaul.edu/student-affairs/about/departments/Pages/hpw.aspx) to schedule your one on one with one of our professional staff members. Hang in there everybody! We will get through this – together!  

Bringing The Outdoors Indoors

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For those of us who call ourselves “adventurers”, “wanderers” or what have you, it’s easy to feel lost during this time; no pun intended. Understandably so, things just aren’t the same. The socially responsible voice playing in our head or on our Instagram feed (@whereslightfoot, anyone?) is telling us to stay home. Granted, I’ve been guilty of sneaking some much needed time on trails and paths but so has everyone else! I’m not using that to justify my time out, rather, the opposite. If we’re all out on the same trails or at the same parks then it’s easy to see how risky it can be. By all means, go for that walk or that bike ride – but do so responsibly! I can promise you that the day the green flag waves will be unimaginably wonderful. Until then, let’s try something new – something different. I bet you didn’t know that Google Earth offers virtual tours of 31 National Park sites. Maybe you didn’t realize the vast amount of nature films and documentaries on the most popular streaming services. You’d be amazed at all the interesting and fun ways to bring the outdoors indoors! Here are just a few. 

I mentioned Google Earth but I didn’t tell you what a vast resource it actually can be. You’re able to take all sorts of adventures from the comfort of your couch or under the covers of your bed. As your local guide today, my first suggestion would be exploring some of our nation’s most treasured places; the National Parks. The best part? No admission fees! Give yourself an hour and you can mosey around Arches National Park in Utah for a few minutes and then find yourself in Maine, at Arcadia National Park, for the rest of the time. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy then shoot on over to the Florida Everglades – all before lunch. I encourage you to check out the “voyager” tab inside Google Earth for a few more surprises too!

If you’re a nonfiction fanatic like me then I’m sure you can appreciate the long list of outdoor adventure films and documentaries that streaming services like Disney Plus, Netflix, and many more, have listed. I’ll follow with some of my favorites here with a link to their homepage if they have one – but be sure to check if they’re still streaming:

Into The Wild (2007) 

Nature (38 Seasons and still going!) – PBS

National Parks Adventure (2016) – Netflix

The Dawn Wall (2017) – Netflix

Mountain (2017) – Netflix 

Night On Earth (2020) – Netflix Original Series

Jumbo Wild (2015) – Amazon Prime Video

Antarctica: A Year On Ice (2017) – Amazon Prime Video

Something a little different: At The Drive-In (2019) – Amazon Prime Video

If all this screen time lately has you overwhelmed then I’d urge you to find something else to break up the monotony that we’re coming to know. If you’re feeling something more stimulating try things like potting plants! These can be for either indoor or outdoor beauty. It’s hard to argue with the benefits of indoor plants. If you find yourself as one of those people who can’t seem to keep a plant alive for more than a few weeks (like me, oops.) there are always alternatives. Pressing flowers can be a great way to preserve some gems that you’d like to hold on to – just remember to respect wildlife and keep in mind the Leave No Trace Principles if you’re looking outside. REI has a great blog that includes a number of outdoorsy activities that are worth checking out while we’re hunkered down at home. 

We’re having to live life a little differently right now, and frankly, that’s the perfect time to experience something new! As I hope you’ve seen, experiencing something new doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the house. Let’s make the most of this time and find adventure in places where we’d least expect it. Go watch a movie or read a blog. Pot a plant or just admire their beauty from afar. I hope you found some solace in this piece and remember to take good care of yourself. Let’s rekindle our love for the great outdoors and find wanderlust in new responsible ways so we’re ready when the green flag waves.